maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
