happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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