apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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