his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
