I'm pants shitting drunk right now
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
there is puke in my bra ... again
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
