Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He passed out mid-signature
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
