Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
