I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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