Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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