Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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