Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
