I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
