Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
