I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
