You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she told me i tasted like america
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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