Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
