I must be too annoying 4 u.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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