My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
