i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
