The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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