Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
