He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
