My sheets look like a crime scene.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
