well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
