The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
