Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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