dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
