True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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