After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
