you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
