I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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