how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
