Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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