My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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