woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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