Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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