We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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