why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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