Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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