I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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