Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
