I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
