You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
