I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
