no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
