It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
