Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
