if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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