my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
