did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
