Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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