wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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