totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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