Michael Bay diarrhea
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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