the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
