Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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